me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
