He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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