OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
