Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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