Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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