when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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