I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
