cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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