Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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