I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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