she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
