WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I skipped work to stalk him.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
