anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
