We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
