First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
