I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You made out with two different species that night
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
