i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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