I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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