ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
