We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
