I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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