Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
