Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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