Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
