He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
