i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
