Pants 0. Shit 1.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
