ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
