I didn't shave. On purpose
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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