He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
