I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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