WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
