I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
