cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Is Oprah even human
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
