when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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