i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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