I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
