Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
