Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
