Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
