I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Randomize
