Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
