Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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