She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
