you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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