I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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