I love black thongs
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
