She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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