I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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