is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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