Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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